So you’ve just found out you’re pregnant. Congratulations!

Feeling good? Maybe, maybe not.

Now I know you can Google all the symptoms of pregnancy and you will find out the most common side effects of pregnancy are but I’m here to tell you the truth, the things nobody else will dare tell you for fear of all women revolting and refusing to ever fall pregnant. But it’s too late for you, so read on.

You will feel scared.

I’m sure you’re expecting to feel super duper happy about your pregnancy and I’m sure there was that, for a moment. But soon you will realise what you have just gotten into and you’ll get scared. Nobody blames you, this shit is scary. I mean, this is a lifelong commitment. Life. Long.

Googling is not going to help either, it will only scare you even more. Your anxiety levels will only increase every time you go for a scan. Your rational self will reassure you that it’s just a routine check, but your irrational self will win this battle more often than not.

You will feel like you have been hit by a bus.

Don’t believe anyone who tells you you will be tired. This is not your average fatigue. You are growing a baby and it will feel like it. You will want to nap a lot, you won’t want to get up from the couch and you’ll find it really hard to open your eyes in the morning.

You won’t sleep well.

As you get bigger you will have to toss and turn regularly to keep comfortable, just like a kebab. Then as soon as you get comfortable you’ll need to make a wee.

You will fart, and your farts will smell.

You might want to throw a pillow on the couch for your partner: between your snoring and your farting, the bed’s not going to be a great place to be. Unless he’s just as bad, then game on.

You will feel boring.

I’m not saying that we all need to be able to have a drink to find our personalities, but being the only teetotal around (which is usually the case if you have friends like mine) is no picnic. But it’s not you, it’s them. Drunk people and scintillating conversation do not go together, unless you are the drunk one.

To be brutally honest, drunk people are annoying – always giggling, arguing, slurring or playing the repeater. And you’re too damn tired to try to deal with them. So it’s often a better idea to go home to your couch, cup of tea and favourite series.

Your friends and family will pressure you to find out the sex.

Keeping the sex a surprise during pregnancy seems to be too much excitement for most people. The first question you are usually asked is whether you are having a boy or a girl. Not finding out? Well, then, let them tell you what it is by looking at the shape of your stomach, waving a ring around you, asking which position you conceived in, you name it. Because people are weird.

Random strangers will want to touch your stomach.

Thankfully I didn’t mind this too much but I think a lot of women take huge offence to it. Completely understandable. My body, my child, my rules.

So forget about the anchovy ice cream cravings and glowing skin. This is what you’ll be dealing with. Good luck, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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